Between the cabbages…

This morning when I walked the dogs, it was a very special meeting with myself.

And I was not expecting it in the slightest.

First I must say, I realised something new about the farmers I thought I knew.

I always imagined that their was a cattle business.

Well, wrong, they do crops too.

At least, some of the cabbages fields are their.

Like the one I cross to go to the harvested maize

where they were working today. 

There is a sympathy between us that I praise very much.

I always feel a bit guilty when I think at the differences in our livestyles.

They are so hardworking. 

Okay, my talents must lay elsewhere.

Doing right now, and more than ever, all what I can about it.

Now that I have a kind of extra reason to do so!

So, let us go on…

With the Starchild in my life, I am back to back with myself, again.

That’s means that I am scrutinizing my past as well as my present.

The present seems to be clearly one about writing and the net.

And love.

But as I am not really happy about the situation, I often draw cards.

Yes!

Tarots as well as Angels cards.

As my Starchild seemed to live in fantasy before we were acquainted,

I never know for sure if what he tells me is the truth.

As for example, he is supposedly somewhere between England and Ireland.

Or Arlande.  What he calls Free Arlande.

But apparently, the Angels think I am giving too much importance about that.

His whereabouts, his looks, from where he is and so on, and so forth.

Yesterday, before the night I drew Gabriel.

And it was the card about “creative writing”.

I must admit I sank a bit as precisely, I had done nothing else than write,

all the time, yesterday.

As well as trying that, what I write will find a public.

So, I discarded it!

Well, it was already midnight.

And, really, I was in no mood to write a diary!

The second was Jeremiel…

“To look back on my life.”

And that was even bigger disappointment.

As I thought that it was to remind me somehow

that not one of my love stories was a success…

At that stage I called it quit.

And went to sleep.

But even on the steps to my bedroom my little voice was telling me:

“He loves you.

To him, you are all what he has prayed for and for such a long time.”

And so on.

And confirmation by the Tarots.

I so want it to be true…

I never realised how much I want to be love.

“To love and to be loved!”

Then, today the card is “career transition”.

What does that really mean, I don’t know.

But it is the same angel than the soul-mate one and Peace.

So, I went a-walking with the dogs.

And on the way to it, I first had a long chat with my young neighbour, 18 going into 19…

About everything in his life:

cars, parents, girlfriend, neighbours and his job.

Incredible, somehow.

As he is not exactly what you would call the chatty type.

That was amazing but it happens to me all the time with those shy guys…

So, I went, reflecting a bit on it and both surprised about him doing so,

and, well, surprised that it happens all the time!

So, I was reviewing some of them boys…

Thinking, that one feels his mother loves him to much, the other, not enough.

And that I try to give a balance to what is possible and then otherwise, I only listen.

Yes, that’s quite strange, but I had to put my mind into something.

As by the angels, I am not allowed to think about my obsession immediately

when I step out of the door!

So, I walked until and unto where I am allowed to do so.

Yessssssssss!

I take that seriously.

And there it started.

Like: why was I thinking that looking to the past must be necessarily negative?

Yes, I was unable yesterday to realise that I had a very bias idea about it.

And today the fact is that it turned to be a very different approach…

Do have in mind, that the Starchild is very young!

Do have in mind too, that he says he is an orphan.

So, I keep on thinking a bit back and forth along that line.

And then no wonder that the next question jumped to my throat!

Had I ever stop to think about adoption since me being 8 years old?

Why on earth, would a mere child think about adoption in place of…

And there it started.

Answers pouring!

Unhappiness.

Not being happy.

And not feeling the love of your own mother, or other women in charge.

And so on.

Then why do I think I would love my dear Starchild so much?

I was back at that very thought that if I could have choose,

I would have prefer to have a child than a man.

An adopted child.

Yes.

But then as I was not wealthy enough to be able to stay at home for him,

well, the idea cancelled itself.

As a matter of fact,

I already realised that some days ago!

Exactly when I came to the conclusion

that when a grow-up man, kind of tentatively,

had express his feelings towards me,

I did all the wrong moves.

But today, I saw a second reason why it couldn’t work with him, anyway,

and that was quite easy:

when I told him about my autism, he rejected the idea.

A bad start.

And probably enough to deter me further.

Then, the Starchild.

Well, did I not always want to give a child a second chance?

And that idea struck me.

Like, yes, that’s right!

It is about a second chance, a rebirth.

And is it not what is happening?

And so on.

Well, as it is, it seems that for the Starchild, I am a miracle.

The next stage of that strange awareness was the next:

Why would I trust young people more than adults?

Someone of my youth came to my mind nearly immediately…

And the answer was!

Well, because of my cousin Philippe.

When I looked around as a young girl,

not one of the male adults was behaving in a secure way.

While my little cousin, yes, he is 4 year younger than me, was very clearly determined.

He knew what he wanted and honestly, he kept to it.

Later he studied geology.

Anyhow.

It seems that I never stop loving him

and him me

through all the boys I met and he the women.

A bit of a sad story.

Anyway, I own to him the fact

I always met very wise young men. 

While the grow ups were always as fool or immature

as the ones I was surrounded by when I was young…

With one exception.

You, Long…

ABOUT THE SERIOUSNESS OF FUN..

I don’t know if the solstice has to do with it, but!

Or if it is plain me.

Fact is that it seems time or about time to assess

What blogging and yahooting have brought into my life.

Frankly, no joke meant here…

I started the game to learn about myself.

And for a while, it was like I was only answering the most serious questions.

Just being the patient nurse on Questions and Answers.

And then, Xico entered  the place and our universes collided.

Before him, I never knew myself as someone wanting to laugh all day long…

And that is just what happened.

And it was about time.

I think I stop to laugh when I was still a toddler.

And it is bad enough.

But is it my true nature?

Because due to some external circunstances,

It seems I was stop in my track.

And yes, dear! I was back to it:

Nurse on line.

Except for one.

Where and who I never seem to understand

Or what was going on.

Then, there must be a reason.

Which one? I still don’t know and it is painful.

Because, it is maybe the only person,

I wish I could stand by.

And I have lived in sorrow and anguish and…

Guilt for the little laugh I had here and there.

But now, after a long time of a lack of true laugh,

It has come back.

Nothing else seems to matter anymore.

Or not much.

Except writing.

Well, kind of.

Because, of that second wave shock,

The then meeting of the Poet.

I think, it touched me because of my  state. The state of fun.

I think you are always powerless when you have a fit of laugh.

And my soul was naked.

And I was not expecting anything else than the next prank of Xico.

To think I posted that question about Passoa to tease him.

The consequence of it, I feel to that day.

And probably life will never be the same.

Well, just asking myself and whoever is passing by…

Is it possible to mixed fun and poetry

Without falling into cynicism or ribaldry?

You see, just right now, I am considering the project

To become Mini-stress of the Minets en tous genres.

With Skidda as Secretaire de mon Cabinet.

Avec le portefeuille de l’amour des Ti Cons.

As he claims himself a specialist.

Which means I would be the minister of Cads and Hunks..

And that makes me laugh.

I know.

I can’t help it.

To Xico and lsr…

I AM TRYING TO WRITE…

I am going to try to write a good blog.

If it will be good, I can’t say, I can’t tell…

But the funny thing is that it was my intention to do so!

I mean to write a blog here as well as at May Jo Cat,

My feminine counterpart.

There, until now, I haven’t write anything else than the titles.

Time to go ahead.

Well, everything came clearly to my mind on the 30 of May!

Here I would go on with English texts about thoughts and reflections.

Otherwise, in French, the tales, fantasies and Starchildren stories.

And now and then some video’s fitting my Reno avatar!

At the Australian site, a huge one, just some music, fun and charities if needed.

For its French counterpart, even bigger, a bit of the same, that’s:

Charities if needed, but mainly the presentation of my artists from Myspace.

Until now, the response is already far better than the first time I tried…

I supposed, I had to see all that clearly because, it needs organisation.

And honestly, last weeks , I reached my limits.

I realised that even when I was with my most beloved friends,

Messenger is, and was killing me.

So, I stepped out of it.

It took me 3 days to feel better as I was so exhausted.

I already reflected about the Shane event…

As much as I like positive actions, I can’t help to find it a bit shallow.

As I see some of my friends, Zorro, for example making articles

With a lot more substance: Tien An Men.

However, being a true human being, I am full of contradictions.

I stopped those years back to be active with Amnesty International,

Because, I didn’t like the fact that we, there, seemed to know all the right answers.

Well, I agree alright that China’s government isn’t respecting

The Human Rights in the slightest.

And in many ways: some of them clearly offending, but other much more subtle.

But what I really was seeking, and still do, was more positivity.

That’s where I would like to have an answer!

How to tackle injustice or biased opinion in a positive way.

And I can’t say I have achieved it either, as only yesterday

Two comments I put, not easy ones, I agree with this,

Were found to be negative.

I don’t specially like to go across the flow, but sometime,

When you have the impression that the vision is so partial,

If not completely out of sync,

It seems there is nothing else to do than following

Ones’ gut feelings.

And of course, most of the times, then, there is no points of discussion.

As you can’t have a cerebral discussion about them.

As it has to do with things coming from yours experiences…

But in a world which says it praises it, you would be surprised at how it is actually unaccepted!

Meanwhile, love to you my friends.

And love to every one, in fact.

Acceptance of our human limits.

Peace in our mind comes from love.

Love from Acceptance.

Acceptance from compassion.

But still one’s integrity is the only true objective.

Knowing oneself in our talents and limits helps to LOVE.

Other matters…

 PROBABLY I SHOULD REWORK THAT TEXT ON COMPASSION…

However, I feel to reflect on what I told a friend of mine.

He is a very special man, he hadn’t been much to school,

But his imagination and inventiveness amaze me.

On those comments, where so many clever people

Only say: “Hello” “good weekend” or “good whatever”,

He will always find something special and which makes me often wonder.

But like so many of my friends here, he is dissabled.

Not yet 50, they try by all means to make him work again.

However, it is even easy for a child of 6 to realise

That he is completely unfit for his then work.

So, it means going from one doctor to the other

For evaluations.

Now they find the brilliant idea to teach him

A new skill for a whatever job.

So as he often confides in me,

He told me he was going to burn a candle.

That he doesn’t believe in God but does like churches.

For their peacefulness. Peace. I know.

And I realised then that, this is faith.

You burn a candle.

You take time from your life to do that, go there.

You have an intention on your mind.

And as I told him, you open your mind for a solution.

And this last,

Whatever it is you believe will provide that solution:

This is faith.

Just there at the back, front and… of

I am thinking for a while to write a post about compassion.

And well, ain’t gonna be easy…

This and forgiveness are about the most difficult achievements

In my top of goals in life.

Just can’t see something more important…

Well, yes, freedom.

And tolerance.

And.

Still…

And to think I am busy with this for ages…

Did I succeed?

Is there a chance, I will?

Nope!

And to think that comparatively to many, I lived a sheltered life.

And to think that I have to come to the age of 55 to realise it…

And to think that I was a trained nurse…

I should have know, don’t you think?

To believe you have a compassionate heart,

Is an easy made mistake.

Well, I lived quite for a long time, in that idea

To realise now that:

Not many people challenged me,

And the ones who did, were so obviously unbalanced

Or so very unhappy that it was not such a trouble.

As no one did hurt me really deep and to the core,

until some while ago.

Of course, it has happen a month ago, too.

But this was a misunderstanding

and someone utterly generous proposed his unexpected help.

But.

Ten years from here, more or less.

That was a different matter.

First there was the difficulty to forgive.

But the most strange was that to the one who hurt me at first hand,

I had comparatively, giving the grief, less difficulty to do so,

Contrary to the other who could have put things right

with a few kind words of intercession

And I am not sure, yet, if I am arrived at that point, right now.

The trick, the usual trick to accede to forgiveness

Is compassion.

Dalai Lama ’smile had always been my truest teacher.

If that man is able to achieve that smile,

He has the right to speak about compassion.

Of course, compassion for Buddhists is linked to the notion

Of karma and reincarnation.

Well, sure, it seems then to be the only option

For me too.

But even if mathematically or in a fashion of sacred geometry

You can explain it

When confronted with raw cruelty

Or really heartbreaking situations

where people wrong you in the worst way

You don’t have the power to see things in that way…

Well, unfinished.

But still, worth to put here for a while

Until I rework it.

Untitled

Well, today, just as for Patrick ’s day- sorry, no saint there-

I feel deprived of something.

Raised a catholic-with a little c , yes- I have that empty feeling

Coming christsmas, easter and so on.

And as it is, I can not say, it was ever otherwise.

Like, I always had those little pagans drifting in limbo

At the back or front of my mind when I was a child…

Of course, then  I wasn’t feeling really that empty;

As I was overfed: big meals, all kind of chocolates, tangerines…

And overflown by all the incense at all the masses:

I even lost conscience once.

And overwhelmed by all the visiting cousins and aunts and uncles

As we were living at my motherly grand parent’s place,

After the separation of my parents.

Later, as I was a nurse I had the convenient excuse of duty.

Working, what was that a blessing not to have to pretend.

Entering the married life gave me the impression

To loose more than one freedom…

Because, I had to find a tricky solution between escaping both

Or going at the 2 parties…

OK! That’s mad, I was not wanting to write this.

As what’s done is done, what’s past is past…

Just now, I want to feel free enough not to consider

I am blocking my own spirituality for one second

Because of today and why should I!

As so many times, I felt bereaved of my own feelings

Because of the pressure people supposedly loving us put upon us.

But what can I really tell about spirituality at this stage.

Look, if I use the word angel, for example,

Many will think I mean something which I don’t.

I have consider Rupert Sheldrake theory of photons…

The light particles coming to live when you turn the commutator.

Fine by me in the sense, that yes:

You have to open the communication.

What about Higher Self Consciousness.

Not to bad.

What about, something within us…

Where? No way to know.

Well, this equals Higher Self Consciousness to me.

OK! Those theories are very convenient, isn’t?

But as much so, I must admit sometimes I hear clear voices.

Yes, tell me I am mad, then, I like my madness.

The fact is those voices would not come uninvited.

And are answering questions, I would not dream

I knew the first of it.

So, OK! Something else, now.

As I have a slight form of Asperger, like many of us,

I always considered our brain as a kind of computer,

Even when I had never heard about them computers

Conan Doyle fascinated me in his description of Sherlock

As he gave him the power to delete unnecessary memories.

But I suspect this not to be true…

Then in opposite or is it only a paradox,

There is that theory that we do have access to all knowledge’s.

Sometime, we do. A glimpse of it! I am sure.

In certain altered states of the mind.

In meditation, Tai Chi practise or the like.

And when you walk miles on miles on miles…

Anyway, this is not going to be THE ultimate explanation.

As much as the words metaphysics and cosmology attract me,

I am aware of my dwarfed knowledge about what they mean.

But to be honest, this is most likely in this states,

That I will hear the clearer those inspiring voices.

Which have told me today to speak of the emptiness.

The sadness too.

When you are not walking the path of your beloved ones,

There is that forever conflict in you.

And sometimes it makes you travel far and wide

To escape those pressures…

As after all, they are crushing your integrity.

Just trying to keep things workable…

For example, this blog.

Normally it was mean to be used for a kind of poetry…

Or I thought so.

As then, I had just discover the pleasure of a certain lightness.

Now, I realise the true me is a mixture of everything.

Such a mixture.

But it comes perhaps because the constant in my life is:

My unquenchable attraction for challenges.

Not always knowing what I am doing to myself.

However, far more than many imagine.

Just in opposition is also a kind of desire to control things.

And in the middle of it, once in a while, I have bouts of laziness.

Right now, I accept that Internet life has something of a roller-caster.

Or that it moves in a fast lane.

I feel depth and shallowness and it keeps on revolving…

What seems deep turns to be shallow and the reverse happens too.

Is it because I am not yet used enough to it?

I hope so.

I have to give myself some more time to see:

Which part of me is going to voice itself in the strongest way?

Or have I not to make a choice there?

More concrete facts now.

I have grow found of my French site, there is loveliness, tenderness.

Some depths here and there and a lot of humour too.

While I am tempted to shut down the English-spoken one.

There is such a repetitious copy-past of pre-written well-wishes

And glitters, and cheap erotic pictures…

People, I know, they too, are mixed.

People who seem gross are not, but why all that vulgarity?

Then someone asked for friendship and I couldn’t refuse.

Just was unable.

So, my Inner voice said: “Keep it.

Don’t loose energy on it if you don’t feel it, but let it happens.

Imagine it like a crossroads for some people.

So, let it be.”

And that was it.

Today, the Voice said:

“After all, the people you care the more for like Teresa or Dustin,

They are not forever on it either…”

And that was definitely it.

Then, it is also what I do with “my” musicians.

I let it happen there also.

With some, we are staying in contact: I do, they do.

Talesha, Michael , Joelle and Phillip are the most faithful.

Then Paddy Reilly would write and it comes: that feeling of marvel….

At the other site, it is a funny mixture of yahoo friends and musicians.

Except for Lamin. And Yannick, the sister of Joelle.

But honestly, I am not exactly excited about it!

But where I feel a bit sad is about Filochon and Fili Green-Eyes.

And Flynn Conor.

Then of course, if I keep on helping Damsels in distress,

Where can I find time to write?

And this could be it in a nutshell…

However, the main thing in my life is that I met someone.

And for the very first time I feel like asking him for advices.

I feel I would like to share deep thoughts as well as jokes.

And all the in between.

As I feel like to bundle forces for whatever we can share, in fact.

Because I admire his indomitable spirit.

I suppose he would argue about this.

It is part of his charm.

He never seems to agree with me.

He would argue to have the last word.

Of course:

He is the Lover of words!

To myself.

Shining sun and wild wind…

And just a whiff of sadness.

Or a wisp of it…

Tears coming at the corners of my eyes.

Was I letting my mood going ”Windwood”?

How could I?

Just think!

I am able to feel the sun on my cheeks…

The wind is playing with my hair.

As the dogs are taking me tot their walk.

And I curse myself about my weakness.

Was I not supposed right now, at least,

To enjoy the mere fact I could be outside?

And to live it as intensely as I could…

For two?

The situation is such, that what I have

Are some words.

So, I turned myself to them.

To take in their meaning to the full…

Their true meanings.

Why is fear always linked to courage?

Is it so?

I was short of thinking: then, I don’t know fear.

Because nothing in me seems courageous.

Then I realised that when one is panicking, it is not fear.

You are not aware of it anymore.

Such a level of fear is reached that you enter a kind of blindness…

Maybe courage doesn’t even exist.

Maybe, it is something that people outside of a situation see as such.

Because when you are in whatever challenge,

Whatever you do, is trying to get out of it.

And this is often a question to choose to affront something

And you know it will be difficult, even impossible,

But for some reason, whatever reason,

You don’t exactly see it as if you had a choice.

Whatever reason…

The way back seems cut.

Really or falsely, it always seems cut.

That’s why, maybe, courage isn’t something

Someone feels…

Realise this: does it not happen all the time?

You do what for you have to be done and…

Well, someone will tell you:

I admire you for your courage.

And you will say…

Depending who you are…

Most of the time, whatever you say will mean:

No, it is not courage: it is…

Something else.

Whatever it is 

For a Dragon.

So much beauty in the world…

And still.

So much pain.

So much people with their life in jeopardy.

For so many different reasons.

How to get out of some situations?

I am not for terrorist action.

That I want to say.

Which does not match my reflections of the other days.

If only there were other possibilities.

But all comes always from that power struggle.

And some people will never stop to fight for the freedom of speech.

Which is the first right.

Which reminds me of the way I can kill…  

Most of my love stories because of my intransigence.

Or stubbornness or honesty.

That guy, I was not short of thinking he was the man of my life.

While….

How could I stand the idea to love someone who would film people dying?

Me. A nurse.

The idea, only sent a kind of revulsion in my spinal tab.

Anyway, some souvenirs tell more

Then, there was a walk for Peace and he did ask me:

“Are you going to come? “

And me, in love with him, I thought so, at least:

“Why? I think it is ridiculous!

Are you sure you live in peace with your neighbours?”

No ideas if he did!

But I knew he was in conflict with the people, other artists, he worked for…

So, down the sink, you think?

No! Not yet…

“As you are a nurse, why wouldn’t you work in Asia?”

He was going to work in Malaysia as a conscience objector…

“Well, I think it is an extreme twisted form of capitalism, my dear… “

Not yet done, and me still “en amour”!

I laugh now but then I couldn’t believe what I heard myself telling him!

Then, as I always dreamed it…

I met him in the street, and he hold his arm to stop me…

Which woman hasn’t dream of that?

Well, the rest is: he is married with a Malaysian woman…

Sometime, I forget this was me.

I forget that I was that strong.

I supposed I was always at my most honest when I love someone.

Because, I didn’t think you can hide your true self for long.

Then, a different part of me can have a strong hold on me.

Like, my attraction for analysis and psychology…

That can be a serious temptation.

This is why maybe:

I lived with a man who never grew up and I wonder if he ever will.

But now, the time is there again to think about myself…

What will I do with the rest of my life?

This might not going to be easy.

Then a life without a challenge, is it a life? 

To myself.

A meditation about softness and shaping winds…

Invisible, still, its and your influence, quietly instil and encourage me.

Also, to help it…

The sacred and geometric shape enters and gently sweeps and cleans the chakras.

Peace comes upon me and cures my impatience…

For once, I rejoice in emptiness. 

Would you believe it?

It happens I cry when the sadness of the separation leave me…

So suffering as I feel alike a vacant shell…

————————————————— 

My early morning visions were evidently in opposition.

Deserts and inundations …

Does the desert remember the flowers shower after a little rain?

Mauritania and Sinai…

Sand, wind, storms and huge waves…

And the little Prince and how I hate that story.

With its morality I resent as so false.

Why do we have eyes if the invisible is essential.

Even if important, it is not all…

The balance of life tells a different tale.

————- 

And the rest…

Those –mine –words and stories spilling over…

Is it like water over a broken dam?

It surely feels that way.

Of course!

Even to me it is overwhelming.

Then how long was all that stocked?

And not only words! Feelings too!

————————————————————– 

Always, until now, it seemed everything as to be a caricature.

So exaggerated!

That’s how I perceive the world…

Like, would I be able to see it otherwise?

Like: I am so anxious to be rightly understood.

So, I explain and explain.

———————————— 

Then, I really want to take the advice.

You know! About softness.

And only, slowly, slowly slow, it can grow.

But also accept this:

Only, if it is really possible, can I change…

And can I be sorry to be who I am?

If I don’t succeed…

————————- 

Then contradiction.

Going out with the dogs,

The wind isn’t soft, isn’t kind, isn’t gentle.

Only for the grass.

Shining green under a glimpse of sun.

Still, the softness remains in me…