I put this text a little while ago, as I was in a hell about something.
It explains some of my issues due to a light mental unbalance.
I came afterwards to the conclusion, that happily,
I was partially wrong with what did upset me so much.
A while ago, 3 people at yahoo did help me.
However, of course, the solution came from someone else.
I am feeling at peace, now. Nearly.
Not completely happy.
As when someone you really love is not well, how could that be.
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THIS TEXT IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME
I wanted to put an older text, but I can’t find it.
I wrote it when I discovered I was an autistic.
So now, I am going to tell a bit about it.
It is on myspace because there I know at least
2 people who will be relieved to read it as they can identified with it.
(Actually, one did, and this was major for him.
And when you write that kind of stuff, you are not seeking the usual success)
It happened somewhere, some time not so long ago, seeing my age.
And to say that it was like the ground under me which has seemed
quite firm, was becoming like the cracking pack in the North Pole,
is an understatement.
Or this was also:
O! That ’s why I don’t understand people better, their jokes, their lightness…
And also, that uncanny empathy, honestly, mostly with other autistics.
And this and that.
Losing bits of myself and gaining new grounds.
Sometime it does happen in an earthquake.
In Napier New Zealand, I heard.
But now that I am going into a very difficult time in my new life,
it comes home to me again.
Because as I am not a very heavy case,
it is so easy to forget about it.
For years, as I had not an idea what the hell the people
wanted of life or of each other or of me,
from an early age, I developed a kind of test machine,
a kind of forever watching the signs
which would give me some clues…
But the trouble is that even if I am often right,
I can seriously miss the point.
And damned, most of the time, then it hurts like hell.
So, some days ago, I have been struck.
And by the way I felt, if ever a doctor tells me:
I think you had a seizure, I wouldn’t be surprised.
That was as my brain has stopped certain functions.
That was as my heart has stopped to pump.
That was as a world of quite reasonable hopes
has vanished into nothing.
Not that I was asking much.
I wasn’t asking at all.
I even try to explain that what I could give
could only be a kind of fondness.
But then an entire one.
Well, to try to come to term, at least with myself
if not with that sorrow, I reflect on the situation.
And I remember that little piece of writing.
So searching for it, I came across others
and I went into the memory lane…
I remember how it has destroy a part of me to go to the tests,
mainly to be confronted to a doctor, who in fact ,was a pediatrician
and has a kind of dislike in grow-ups.
Of course, it was bad from the start.
With the life I had, it was not like the first meeting would go
and end in 30 minutes as it is with a child in withdrawal.
So, I was there kind of trying to answer his questions,
and of course, they were not ones with a possible “yes or no” answer!
So as there were a big amount of words,
I kind of knew his first impression was completely bad…
Then the tests.
No words to tell, to long, to short, subtilely idiotic…
O! I forget to say! In Dutch.
I speak it fluently but, man!
Anyway, the only important thing is that when the rapport arrived:
no, hell, no, I was not an autistic.
Then, you should have seen his scorn…
As if I had to gain by one or the other of the issues!
I am autistic? Fine, isn’t?
I am not? What kind of maverick, while, receiving monthly
from theNational Health Insurance 800 euro,
would want to pay 450 euros for a test? Not repaid!
I had the impression it was a no win situation whatever the results.
Would you not?
Then I forget to tell, at one point I mention and asked
if my relationship with my mother could have had an effect
on whatever what….
” And at your age, you do STILL have issues with your mother?”
Well, hell, yes, I had!
But it made me speechless.
Anyway, my psychiatrist was also having difficulties
with that situation as there were not many places
to get people tested.
And I could see, he thought I exaggerated.
I was asking him: please don’t send anybody there.
Luckily enough, someone else came to him,
and has been asked by a previous doctor to go there
to be tested too and that patient came
with precisely the same story.
Then another thing was that when he read the results the first time,
he didn’t seemed perturbed by the fact it was quite contradictory.
But at the second reading, that man normally quite quiet
was tempestuous!
So! That was the first round!
Then as I say you have to come to term with being autistic.
And then you go on with your life…
And I hope it will help my fellow autistics, ADD’s, ADDH’s,
Borderliners, Asperger’s, Indigo’s and whatever the names
we are called…
And maybe, the one I might have hurt in a way
I have no clue to know how, will forgive me as now,
I think, I understand a part of his own sorrow,
And terrible despair.
And I am so sad it took me so long.
